The Core

I didn’t have an issue with my feelings.  Because I didn’t feel at all.

You didn’t see anger because I was taught it was bad and to keep it hidden.  But it was there.

You didn’t see sadness because I was told to hold my tears and smile.  But it was there.

You didn’t see fear because fear is for cowards and wimps.  But it was there.

You didn’t see shame because that was weak and for people who “sin”.  But it was there.

You didn’t see envy because I told myself that I wasn’t worth it.  But it was there.

You didn’t see arguments because I told myself I wasn’t sure what I believed.  But it was there.

You didn’t see real compassion because I couldn’t love others until I felt how much I was loved.

You didn’t see real joy because it was always tempered with the deep sadness inside.

To most I looked like a normal person.  But those closest to me knew that I resembled a tin man:

Without substance.

Without weightiness.

Without depth.

With contempt

With judgment

With a wounded soul.

Like smelling a rose with a stopped-up nose.

Like listening to Mozart with sound deadening headphones.

Like watching fireworks with dark sunglasses on.

Like being in God’s creation with a blindfold and heavy sweater on.

Like wanting to sing and having no voice.

I didn’t find “me” until I wrestled and wrestled and wrestled.  Dug and dug.

Looked back at the pain in my past and felt the pain where I had told myself there wasn’t pain.

Uncovered the deep, deep lies at the core of my soul – the ones that only Jesus can reach.  And heal.

Let Him heal me and give me a new voice, a new laugh, a new compassion, a new love, a new vision.

Now I can finally – finally - sing “It is well with my soul” – and mean it.

PRM – 9/22/20